.stari.

I finally took off the hello-kitty blacklight black nail polish. Black isn't me, and looking at the chipped remains of it on my fingers started to bother me in that bad-weird mood I was stuck in for most of the weekend.

I redid my nails a matte silver, makeup to match. Put on my favorite little black velvet dress and velvet tights that's supposed to always make me feel cute. I felt very not-cute.

Then at the Vogue, I don't even make it back to my perch on the stage when people are petting me... Jeremy said he had been trying to stop flirting with me but I was making it hard, so he's back to having me tell him where the limits are. I feel more comfortable in the clubs because there's implied boundaries and I don't have to be the one always saying 'no'.

Then Andrew was there, and a pile on the stage. We were called 'cute' and 'adorable'. It was a great night.

It looks like people are seeing us as a couple now. That makes me feel both very happy (not that I would admit that... oops, too late) and terrified. If I don't think too much then I'm just happy - I seem to be getting exactly what I wanted, whatever that is.

That sounds strange though. That kind of thing doesn't happen. I keep expecting there to be an ultimatum soon. Pick and choose. I'm not allowed to be this happy so long.

*pounce*

11.14.00

The topic was 'What is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?'

I've been extremely drawn to the beauty in cities, especially cities at night. I think because I spent too much time in a small town I couldn't stand, which led me to go far far away to the magical land of Seattle :) I first noticed while spending a summer at an art school in Baltimore, Maryland though. I have poems and paintings still about the city written/drawn while looking out from the top floor of the student apartments.

I had an amazing moment my first year in Seattle, standing near the waterfront so I could see ocean looking one direction, and cityscape at dusk looking the other. I wish I knew how to capture city-at-dusk on film the way I see it, instead of the orangish color it always turns out.

There are so many if I start thinking and listing them...

Seeing so many more stars that I ever expected to see in the Seattle area one night... My friends almost left me behind because I just stood there and stared. I love stars but I consider city-stars to be more 'special', the ones that made it through, kind of like a flower growing in the sidewalk.

Every painting in the Gargoyles store in the U-District. I don't know the artist's name but I think she's local. I want to buy every single one every time I'm there.

Fire performers Halloween night - wow.

I'm sure more will come to me all day.

I'll have to put up the Baltimore poems next. That question makes me think of all the photos I've ever seen. I'm tired but I want to do creative-stuff.

11-2-00

I'm still wearing my cloak from last night.

Gryphon disappeared a few days ago and hasn't been heard from since. I should be extremely annoyed at him because as far as he knows I needed his help with my costume. I should still be annoyed with him because he didn't even get to see my amazing costume.

Selina and I went to a bodypainting workshop yesterday and I was painted beautifully for my costume, then added some liquid latex so I'd be 'legal' for the Vogue. I managed to fit my wings over my cloak, so I didn't feel as naked even though I was just as exposed. I left out the 'bondage' part and went as a dark fairy so I wouldn't cover up the painting.

This is the first Halloween costume I've been this proud of since I was a kid. Two judges told me after the costume contest that they had voted for me. Many pictures takes and compliments given. I think I'm still glowing.

I can even dance in the really nice boots.

Andrew makes a great catterfly, especially with velvet pants.

I have definitely gotten myself in trouble again, and I don't even know if that's a good or bad thing. I'm trying to remember if I've ever been able to be so overwhelmed (in a good way, a very good way) so easily.

Whatever's happening to me, it's happening at the right speed for once.

This is a good thing right?

(Or is it a bad thing that there's been nothing to scare me off?)

10.30.00

Friday I bounced between three boys.

I still think that Izzy's unconscious goal is to catch me off guard however he can. He catches me off guard by seeing me at all. He caught me off guard saying something about liking to play with my hair. I realized sometime during the day that this was my first time seeing him in a normal(*) setting no longer having the crush on him. Probably ever. (* not in the clubs, not right after)

I also have to remember that this doesn't make me safe from him either. I learned last week that I may always have to keep the mental defense up around him.

There was ice cream and wandering and I took a few pictures of the statue with the origami cranes. I thought I should go back every week and start a whole series of pictures.

Met Jake at 6:30 for the movie. He still has that underlying bitterness to him, but he's being so much more incredibly helpful to me than he should be. Especially for someone who said he never wanted to talk to me again.

We passed Izzy and his bunny on the way out and I was only the slightest bit jealous because they were obviously happy to be together, while I was with Jake and his bitterness. I was looking forward to later that night though... I had warned Andrew that I would need to recover by the time I got to the Vogue. Seeing Izzy could be good or bad. Seeing Jake would be interesting.

Nightmare Before Christmas was a good movie despite Selina telling me how horrible it was. It would've been fun to see it again with (Jake's words), "one of your gothic cat boys."

I got home just in time for Andrew to offer me a ride to the Vogue, and run off to get ready. The night blurs together after that, but I had fun, I recovered. I was too hyper to possibly sleep, so he went home about 4 and I stayed up until 9am designing happy-clicker.

I know I'm confusing myself at least as much as I'm confusing him now.

10.28.00

Walking to Broadway today, I remembered a story Trent told, that he sent a message to his sister that he said 'hi', and along the way it was changed to he had died. He was in the hospital with leukemia at the time so that was believable.

I wish I hadn't remembered this because I'd rather know for sure than to be wondering if that could happen again.

When I met Trent he was recovered, though recently. He told stories, always with a sense of humor. Always.

Jason called me Friday, which is a shock in itself, since I haven't talked to him in I-forget-how-many years. I asked him if there's anyone else around I'd remember. And I really don't care that the neighbor boy had a baby with the girl I might have been friends with when I was 11. "Oh, I never told you about Trent did I?"

I'd been wondering about Trent for quite a while... Wondering what would happen if I sent a letter saying, "Hey, remember me? What have you been up to?" I never even considered that he wouldn't still be alive.

I've never dealt with death up close before so I still don't comprehend it. I just know is that he's past-tense now, that I can't wonder what he'd think of those pictures I took last Sunday. I especially don't understand dying at my/his age... that survival was just a tease.

I don't know how to react. So I don't.

Jason also told me that "Scratch," Michael, is dying of Lupis. Numb there. Closure or something. I can just assume he's out of my life for real now.

10.17.00

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