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5.24.00 I'm imagining a huge database of music (and I'm not imagining real-world limitations of copyright and server space and download times) that you could use to tell someone, "I'm listening to this song. Listen to it and tell me if it makes you feel the same." (This is old but I hadn't been updating in a while.) I went out with Jake and Selina a couple Saturdays ago. At his car, Jake says he has something for me and hands me a pink floppy disk. "You know, for girls," he says. I thought that was great. It's going on my wall or something now that I remembered to take it out of my coat pocket. Also in that pocket, a red hair tie. I was trying to be good, but I couldn't resist a red one..... weekend: Friday - Ice cream(!) with Izzy and bad movie with Gryph and Izzy. (bad me... didn't finish update... things are crazy, what else can i say?) pictures.... for now 5.23.00 Monday night is the come-down, I realize after a couple hours of sleep, enoughto become functional again. I lay in bed, not ready to sleep, music, I think, "Who can I call??" It's 11pm, no one. It's monday night, the upstairs should be full of people to bounce through happily while I defend to myself why I subject myself to this monday mornings. It's all the little moments. I think I collect them. 5.22.00 Inspiration must have died... I bought hangers today. 5.18.00 It's not that funny, but I had to laugh anyway. Jason, I never knew you cared! Hardware's been hit with the ILOVEYOU virus, and I had about ten copies of it in my inbox when I got to work from my boss and others. Luckily I recognized it right off and deleted. I still have nothing to do at work, but I'm trying to keep calm about it, keep myself occupied. I read a lot of email, news articles, web journals... I start at a site I know and follow links. I've absorbed a lot of random details about people I don't know. I've seen a lot of questions for the answering. You never want to go back there again. The places I feel most defenseless... Maine, it drains the life from me. (not so intense) 5.4.00 Music is a drug,. There's no other explanation for it. For why, when my train of thought leads me from the .song. that makes me cry but is worth it, that is part of my movie, to remembering that there is a song that should be banned from myself, that I should absolutely not listen to (and don't) because it'll leave me curled in up a hurting crying mess that I have to listen to it. that it makes me get out of bed and go through old cds and play the song and play the song again, knowing that it hurt me. and i cried hard. it felt horrible and it felt good at the same time. i needed it, still, and especially over something that i know will be gone in the morning. it's a weird situation, i wouldn't know how to explain it. besides, i tend to leave my past where it is, out of an irrational fear that people of now will see me different if they know about me then. it's about losing a very important friend at a very bad time though. the weird part is, we're still friends now. but i honestly consider the friend i lost and the friend i have now to be two different people. some know this story. they were there. 5.3.00 Hmm... a little bitterness I didn't realize I had. I just posted this to baresquare:
I bet that was triggered by seeing my dad's number on the caller id. And I didn't even talk to him. (unrelated) The song is making me cry again. 5.1.00 [the past feels too close is that why i've wanted to hide lately?]
4.27.00
4.24.00 So Gryphon's got me signed up on this daily horiscope email thing, and while I don't beleive these things necessarily, I do appreciate how scarily accurate this one can be at times. Today's says:
(Yes, I'm a disease.)
I'm at work. I'm fustrated. I want nothing more than to go hide somewhere. Where's the positive note?
I guess the question is who/where/what do I most desire?
I like this part! *touch*touch*poke* 4.21.00 chaos at madstop... My roomate is buying a house, and I guess I'll be moving upstairs, and there are people visiting, and it's just weird to think of how things are going to change in the next month. Unstable, and I'm not even the one moving. Otherwise, I'm just going through my usual fustrations. And I want to write (for myself), and I want to sleep, and I don't want to go to work tomorrow, and I don't want to come home from work tomorrow just to run into my weekend obligations. I may have to claim Sunday for myself... kick everyone out, and not go out myself, really for once. Then again, maybe not... Then again, again, there's no reason I can't say "Okay goodnight!" when I've had enough. (Goodnight) 4.20.00 stari ... 4.19.00
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