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I'm stuck on this song, no particular reason. It's 'Go out and play' weather. I got my free ice cream cone from Ben & Jerry's and went to the park to swing. If I stayed out long enough, I could watch the sun set over the lake -- doesn't that sound beautiful? I love my city. I loved my city before I moved here but already claimed it as my own, keeping that to help me in the time before. I wish I could go back farther, years before, and give myself that knowledge to get me through. I remember first moving here, looking in awe just after sunset at water on one side of me and cityscape on the other. It was happy. I love my city. 4.18.00 I wish I was immune to sad songs. I wish they didn't have the power over me that they do. I wish they didn't have the ablility to grab me and pull me in and hold me there, to remind me of things that I can't quite place, that might not even be my own memory but I feel it just the same. Along those lines, I wish I wasn't so emotional. But that leads too easily into saying I wish I wasn't *me*, and I know better.... It's just that.... i don't know ... It's just that... I need to finish this redesign! (no one will notice *that* subtle change of subject) Gryphon deserves special credit though. I've noticed visible improvement since the breakup [The world's strangest breakup: He brings me a flower, I reconfirm that yes, this is what I really want, we're still dating and closer than before.] Last night was I think the first time he was able to be there for me without it turning into an emotional disaster. I am quite aware of the sacrifices he is making to do what he does for me. Why does life have to be so complicated though? I take back "world's strangest" -- I can't beleive I let myself forget that strange things as that are typical around here. I need to find some happy news though... I found kitty ears -- the Velvet Kitty is back! There's someting about wearing kitty ears that makes people want to pet you. "You can't go five feet without someone trying to melt you," that includes my own house! Okay, I can't say that it was completely accidental. I knew perfectly well that wearing velvet around that particular group of people would result in petting, but I hadn't expected total melting! But what can I do... complain? oh poor me.... 4.17.00
Something has been drawing me to Eric* lately. [*old friend from Indiana] First it was a thought, an idea to call sometime. Then the most familiar feeling... "It was sitting in the car talking to a friend in front of my house at 4am -- you wouldn't know anything about that would you?" And he bursts out laughing and I follow. The next week, a similar situation, and the closest to deja-vu feeling I've ever had. I could've opened my eyes and been in Indiana. Finally a dark (as in night) dream where I find his house in the middle of the night. A feeling I can't quite place. something... We finally talked today. It's been a year and a half and I didn't know what to start, how to explain my life now. I tried to start my story at my best friend wanting to go to fetish night, but... there's too much. He said I'd always been able to tell him everything before. I didn't think about it until later, but now it's sad because I know I can't now. It's beyond just shock value; there's a conflict of beleifs and a line that I don't want to cross. I still haven't figured out what was drawing me toward him. Maybe to reconnect with my past; maybe to realize how far I've come. Maybe he needs me, doesn't realize, and if so -- I don't know where to begin. 4.14.00 I have trouble seeing myself as pretty in the morning. Everything is too red or too bland or too tired to care. My favorite pretty velvethings don't seem worth wasting on this feeling. CanIgobacktobednow? On the other hand, when night gives me an excuse to dress up, play with my colors, I can actually stop and think, 'Wow, I'm cute tonight!" Getting my contacts has been amazing for me. I've gotten used to being able to walk off in the middle of washing my face and still being able to see, to being able to wear purple mascara and have it noticed, to be close to someone without worrying about hitting them with my glasses. I just plain love it. I've been trying to work on the design while I'm at work. I know I'm being influenced by pages like Idat in the look I am trying to achieve. I've been playing with grays and whites and blacks, but starting to wonder why the monochrome? I am not a monochrome person. I am burgundys and magentas, forest green, deep metallic blue, daffodil yellow, silver, irridescent, and translucent, crayola marker red, that perfect color of purple, and just to throw everyone off - a horrid combination of lime green and tangerine orange. I grew up with the big boxes of crayons, I can't help it. 4.13.00
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